If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
You Might Also Like
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.