If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
You Might Also Like
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
what do you want!!!!!!!!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.