Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.