Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend