If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
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My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
All set.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand