Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Looking at you, Jesus.