If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
learning about math 🧐 📝
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
fair
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!