If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.