Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Straight people are cancelled

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*