If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.![]()
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?