Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

what?

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time