coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
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someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”