@HogwartsLogic

If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before

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@TheBoydP

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

@Sirrruh

I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission

@OfficialMizGin

Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.

If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.

@murrman5

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

@JordanFoisy

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

@david8hughes

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

@ScorpionDong

What do we want?

-SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS!

When do we want them?

-NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC

@envydatropic

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

@TheBoydP

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

@awkwardphilippe

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.