Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before
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I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.
If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
What do we want?
-SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS!
When do we want them?
-NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.