If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
You Might Also Like
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Morning.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet