@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

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@om_eye_goodness

If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.

Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.

@AlmightyBored

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

@ItsAndyRyan

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

@heroinsdemise

Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

And
Cake recipes..

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

@markydoodoo

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

@patrickhogan91

*Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest*
“Oh, you meant… you meant it like… ugh. Well that was a waste of time”

@JohnLyonTweets

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.