If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
You Might Also Like
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
seems fine
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.