If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.
Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
20 pages “accept yourself”
40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
*Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest*
“Oh, you meant… you meant it like… ugh. Well that was a waste of time”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.