Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

🤣🤣

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

SCARY COSTUME

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps