If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Buck naked
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…