Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible