If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
rip to my favourite tweet
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???