If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.