If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Tuesday
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.