If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
You Might Also Like
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.