Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Customer is always right

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

just gave your address to some spiders

Travel bloggers during quarantine

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.