If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
on da cob, we all corn
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
tfw you realize …
💁🏻♂️
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
The USS B port
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!