If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.