If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
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I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
weaknesses
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Perfect.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”