Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.