If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
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I forgot how to panic. Help
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
So glad we cleared that up
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally