Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?