If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Investing in beetcoin
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.