Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?