Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?