If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
In banana years, I am bread.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.