If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Ah yes. The three genders
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
So glad we cleared that up
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.