If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I can also cook 😂
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle