@ThisHotGarbage

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

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@skedaddle74

Goes to a psychic

Her: your aura is yellow a very nice softness to you, you are a very warm and loving person but when people make you angry you…

Me: PEE ON THEM!

@DaddyJew

Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool

@neiltyson

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

@urmumsausername

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

@Underchilde

Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.

@DrakeGatsby

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@LackOfShame

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.