@ThisHotGarbage

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

@Death_Buddy

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

@squirrel74wkgn

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

@meganamram

Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone

@PJTLynch

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

@TuSoonShakur

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

@SteveKoehler22

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

@deegeemindi

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

@bacon_gillepic

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies