Goes to a psychic
Her: your aura is yellow a very nice softness to you, you are a very warm and loving person but when people make you angry you…
Me: PEE ON THEM!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?
Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
Gross if literal…Liverpool
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?