If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Pigeon open mic night.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones