If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.