if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box