Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

me 2 months after i graduated

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.