Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me