if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

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Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day


I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.


The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.


I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving


A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we’re not talking about marriage?


[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.


I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.


It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.


Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.


Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.