@mikassong

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

You Might Also Like

@SteussieErica

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

@Masquerage

I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.

@TheTweetOfGod

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

@jeff_ratfamily

I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

@theshamingofjay

A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we’re not talking about marriage?

@Book_Krazy

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

@MrMichaelSpicer

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

@Vodkantots

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

@stockejock

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.