if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

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[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop


Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.


[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*


There are rumours floating around that Canada’s Prime Minister isn’t a nice guy.

They’re not Trudeau.


When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.


An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces


*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?


Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in