If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
