If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
You Might Also Like
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
uncle dave has been through hell
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
going to bed
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.