If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

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Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?


I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star


I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.


undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss


In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”


Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?

Big Bruiser: copy

Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?

Killdozer: all ears

Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?

Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names


“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.


H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.