@cravin4

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

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@GoldenSpirals

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

@taladorei

with everyone on lockdown, the lime scooters are finally returning to the river. nature is healing, we are the virus.

@moprob1ems

Password is incorrect.
Password is incorrect.
Create new password.
New password can not be same as previous password.

Me:

@meghaffer

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

@andyerikson

Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!

@PinkCamoTO

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

@ronnui_

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

@msmegmensa

If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’