*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
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Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?
Big Bruiser: copy
Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?
Killdozer: all ears
Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?
Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?