If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.