If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.