If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
You Might Also Like
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
🤝
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Just so funny
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Day 2 of my diet
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.