If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
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Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
an airline just for babies.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
it must be school picture day
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”