If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
When he asks for feet pics
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Mapping America’s Far Right
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
no exceptions
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.