Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Hey I worked for it too!

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅