If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
