If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
*limbos under the caution tape
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.