If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)