Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

Lmfao

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink