If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Time heals everything 🙂
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!