If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.