If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon