If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?