If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.