If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
🙂🙃🥹
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit