Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

Pleading insanity in small claims court

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.