If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing