If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
He instantly became one of the bros
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?