If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You Might Also Like
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.