Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

Harsh but fair

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Bring back the McRib

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️