If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Buck naked
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
How can I say no to this ?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i