If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
is this meant to deter me
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.