If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

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I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.


When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?


Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.



When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.


Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?


are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]


If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.


Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is


Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.


Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.