@JasonLastname

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

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@sarah1mc

I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.

@joeldanger

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

@DaHess1

Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.

Signed,
Everyone

@3sunzzz

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

@sageboggs

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

@BlindVigil

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

@david8hughes

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

@ItsAndyRyan

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

@AndyAsAdjective

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.