If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.