@JasonLastname

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

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@dlicj

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

@Browtweaten

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

@JennUflect

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

@Dustinkcouch

brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real

@Carmel_Coleman

I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That’ll teach ’em. Can’t unsee that.

@TheToddWilliams

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

@helenrclarkson

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

@bea_ker

[with father in law]

“You know how to pluck a goose, son?”

Er yes sir, sure do

*stretches goose’s neck and plays it like a double bass*