Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.