If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
You Might Also Like
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
wait a minute….
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night