If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
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Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
yikes
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
LOL!
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”