If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
THE DOG😭😭💀
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Autocarrot sucks!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too