If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early