If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
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McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My what?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news