If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
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Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry