If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Uh oh…
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.